Freedom from the Inside Out: A Guide to the Wounded Self - Softcover

Goldrain, Nathalie

9781891850073: Freedom from the Inside Out: A Guide to the Wounded Self

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1891850075 ISBN 13: 9781891850073

Publisher: Medicine Bear Pub, 1999

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From Chapter 1: As I slip into the womb at last, I feel my mother's situation pressing upon me. Her feelings are so intense I can hardly breathe. She is feeding me her anxiety and there is no apparent escape. Like a sponge, I absorb her distress; her sensations are now mine to endure. I feel I am merging with her and it frightens me to lose my identity. I fight with myself to stay in her body. I become more and more agitated, tossing and turning in this confining place. I now realize that the emotions I accumulated during this period are not really mine, but they have been difficult for me to release. In addition, the abrupt separation from my mother shortly after birth consumed me with grief. I received virtually no nurturing from the strangers she left me with. But it was this very moment of total dismay that undoubtedly furthered my personal growth as a soul.

Even though I had arrived on time, certain events foretold a delay in my adoption. As a result, I languished in an orphanage for the first year of my life. No matter how much planning we do before an incarnation, there can be major changes if others do not play their agreed to parts. Traces of the sheer panic I felt during this period still remain today. I am sometimes unable to sleep, watching my thoughts form endlessly until dawn. At the orphanage, my dimly-lit room was filled with rows of tiny beds containing one frightened baby after another. There were so many of us that the nuns were unable to give much individual attention. Overwhelmed by all the noise around me, I was strangely sensitized to how I had died as an infant in a previous life and, inexplicably, was reminded of being thrown against a wall to stop me from crying. Upon awakening to this institutional terror, I remember how I stared in silence while night enveloped my lonely world. I gradually retreated farther and farther into the recesses of inner realms.

I definitely felt the shock of my new world, having just come from a plane where love is as abundant as air. One day, my mother simply didn't come back, and I can't begin to express the desperation I felt; I wished to go Home. In my mind's eye, I can still see her there--distraught, holding within her a heavy burden. She is watching me one last time through the wire mesh window of the children's room before her own mother pulls her away. There will be no good-byes this day, only an aching emptiness to last a lifetime in both of us.

When my new parents finally came for me, my heart was dry and sore from tears that had shattered my spirit. Wounded by solitude, my fragile body was hungry for care and love. By now the protective boundaries I had created were deeply etched within; it would be nearly impossible to regain the sense of security I'd lost. With the remembrance of this first year engraved in my soul, I began to walk the path of adoption in search of wholeness.

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