Did You Read Feagler Today? - Hardcover

Feagler, Dick

9781886228238: Did You Read Feagler Today?

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 188622823X ISBN 13: 9781886228238

Publisher: Gray & Co, 1998

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Stated First Edition. A fine copy in a near fine dust jacket. The dust jacket's spine is faded.

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About the Author:

Dick Feagler, star columnist for The Plain Dealer, began writing in Cleveland in 1963 for the Cleveland Press, where his feature column ran from 1970 until that paper's demise in 1982. Throughout the 1980s, his column ran in the Akron Beacon Journal, the Willoughby News-Herald, the Lorain Journal, the Painesville Telegraph, and the Elyria Chronicle-Telegram. Feagler has also provided regular news commentary for WKYC-TV3 and WEWS-TV5, and his commentaries have aired on National Public Radio. His many honors include the George Foster Peabody Award (1991), the Alfred I. DuPont Award (1991), 21 local Emmys, and numerous UPI and AP awards.

Dick Feagler is also the author of Feagler's Cleveland, Now in paperback.

Thanksgiving dinner with Jerry Springer

Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamed I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at Jerry Springer�s house. All the recent guests from his talk show were there. Sitting near me was the woman from the episode �My Pimp Won�t Let Me Go.� Naturally, her pimp was there, too. Across the table was a woman in maternity clothes. I recognized her as the star of the show titled �I�m Pregnant by a Transsexual.� She was telling everybody that she was hoping for a boy. �We�re going to call him Scott-Heather,� she said. Suddenly, two women pushed their chairs over backward and began writhing on the floor and clawing each other. Nobody paid much attention. �Who are they?� I asked an attractive woman sitting nearby. �Oh, they�re nobody,� she said with a sniff. �They were on the program called �I�m Pregnant by Your Man.�� There certainly are a lot of pregnant people around,� I said. �Are you pregnant too?� �Certainly not!� she said icily. �Perhaps you don�t know who I am. I appeared on the show called �Honey, I�m Really a Guy.�� Who�s the woman over there near the cranberry sauce?� I asked. �There�s something familiar about her, but I can�t place what it is.� �You mean the one without any clothes on?� said Ms. Really-a-Guy. �She was on last Friday�s show. The one called �I Refuse to Wear Clothes.�� Oh, yeah,� I said. I had seen that one. Ms. I-Refuse-To-Wear-Clothes had been sitting on the set, merrily in the nude, with her intimate zones covered up by those shimmery little squares TV uses to mask the faces of juveniles and rape victims. �I Refuse to Wear Clothes� had an especially poignant moment. The nude young woman�s mother was brought from the wings. She sank into a chair next to her daughter and began to sob. �How can you do this to us?� she wailed. �You are ruining our family. You have driven a wedge between your father and I.� The nude looked honestly flabbergasted. �There are problems between you and Dad because I�m naked?� she asked in amazement. All of these shows really happened just the way I�ve described them. But, in my dream, Jerry Springer walked into the dining room carrying a huge turkey. Or was it the turkey that carried Springer? I can�t remember. It�s beginning to fade. I do remember that, in my dream, Springer made a little speech. �I want to thank all of you dear and fascinating fruitcakes for giving me a Thanksgiving with something to be thankful for,� he said. �As you know, television is a tough business. My show is in a bitter ratings war against Oprah. For years, she has been the queen of daytime TV talk.� He was interrupted by a fit of giggling. It came from three young women who had appeared on the Springer show titled �Pregnant Bad Girls.� He waited until it stopped. �Oprah has been fighting a conventional ratings war,� he said. �She has been using trite old topics like �Movie Star Makeovers� and People magazine�s �Sexiest Man Alive.�� A woman named Kristen abruptly pushed back her chair and stood up. �I HAVE A SECRET LOVER!� she yelled at us. I remembered that she had spoken those same words to her fiance, Mark, on a recent Springer show. Then she introduced her secret lover, a woman named Shelly. �I knew I could never beat Oprah with conventional ratings warfare,� Springer continued. �So I turned to the only answer�biological ratings warfare. All of you have the biological makeup of sickos, wackos and weirdos. So I unleashed you on the TV audience. Think of it this way: I�m like Saddam, and all of you are like anthrax.� They all cheered at that. �And it worked,� Springer said. �I beat Oprah in the ratings. I have you to thank for it. I learned a lesson back when I was on Cincinnati�s City Council and the press found out I had paid a hooker with a check. �Jerry,� I said to myself, �if you want to dabble in prostitution, next time make sure you�re the one who gets the check.�� Suddenly, a bunch of new people raced into the dining room and began yelling at each other and pelting each other with bread sticks. �Look out!� the nude yelled. �Those are the people from the show �Past Guests Do Battle!� Duck!!�� I ducked so hard I woke up. And then I realized it was Wednesday and everything was all right. The November ratings period ends tonight. �November 26, 1997

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