About the Author:
Dr. Bill Cloke has been a couples' therapist for 30 years. His passion is to help both individuals and couples lead more fulfilling lives and relationships by learning essential relationship skills. He holds a PhD in psychology from California Graduate Institute. A frequent talk radio psychologist, he is also a contributor to PsychologyToday.com and other popular websites and has lectured at UCLA. Bill Cloke lives in Los Angeles, where he works with couples, families, and children from a cross-section of cultures.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.:
Watching the unveiling of the intricate workings of intimacy–of the process by which lasting love is created and sustained–has convinced me that love works on a far grander scale than eyes meeting across a crowded room. Happiness is not something that just happens to us, and love is not something that we just fall into, even though it may seem that way when a relationship begins. No matter how much passion there is at the start, for love and happiness to last a lifetime, they must be actively made. ...
Creating a happy and enduring relationship requires that we understand how our underlying and often baffling personal issues impact our ability to connect with others–and, crucially, with ourselves. It calls on us to make conflict and personal pain into resources for ever deeper intimacy.
Love is an unparalleled life experience. When we accept that it will include times of great difficulty, we can approach them with gentleness and care, and we can learn the skills we need to quickly and smoothly solve problems. Love is what life is all about, and it is life's sweetest reward–the cake and the icing on the cake. It's a flame that can indeed burn for a lifetime, if we tend it well.
Our journey toward enduring love and lasting happiness begins by developing a solid base of safety and security. We set out equipped with honesty, tolerance, and a willingness to reach out to each other when we need to. The path is paved by our intention to solve problems with reasoning and to listen to different points of view, rather than holding on to being right at the expense of our most valuable loving connection. And, as we learn to accept and support our mutual strivings, we find our way toward an ever more satisfying relationship life–and a rich and meaningful inner life too.
. . . . Some Values That Serve Love:
As we begin the process of creating our own values, there are some truths that support that process.
- Loving and caring trumps everything else.
- Your relationship comes before being right.
- Listening is the highest value.
- Anger is natural yet counterproductive.
- Yelling, hitting below the belt, swearing, or name-calling is not problem solving.
- Blame, shame, and criticism create distance and resentment.
- Taking statements personally disconnects us from our partner and closes us within ourselves.
- Never assume. Always check out what you think before you assume it's true.
- Be willing to look at yourself from the perspective of the other person.
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