The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want You to Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships - Softcover

Christopher Blazina Ph.D.

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9780757306600: The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want You to Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0757306608 ISBN 13: 9780757306600

Publisher: Hci, 2008

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Say Goodbye to Guessing Games, Communication Conflicts,
One-sided Conversations, 'Dry Spells,' and Silent Treatments

For centuries women have been trying to put into words what perplexes them most about men. However, the inner world of the male's psyche continues to succeed in outwitting women, and The Secret Lives of Men is the long-awaited antidote that unravels the mysteries that keep women from enjoying true connection and authentic relationships with the men in their lives, whether they be husbands, partners, sons, fathers, or friends.

In this provocative and pivotal book, male psychology expert, researcher, and professor, Christopher Blazina, Ph.D., contends that contrary to popular belief, men really do want to be understood, not cast aside as unemotional, backward thinking, desensitized, or 'clueless'―and they desire to connect with others.
With unbiased compassion and true understanding of the needs of both men and women, Dr. Blazina offers techniques and prescriptions for navigating the emotional, physical, and intellectual realms of the male psyche at all stages of his life. Through The Secret Lives of Men you will:

Discover the 'Ten Commandments of Growing Up Male'
Learn about the secret shoebox and how to get him to unlock this 'holy of holies'
Have a better sex life and get on the same page about what feels hot and what does not
Identify the 'proper,' effective ways to give feedback to a man
Avoid the major relationship landmines and let healthy conflict deepen relationships

Men have secret lives, and they are complex and multidimensional. The Secret Lives of Men serves as a bridge between you and the men you want to know and understand.

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About the Author:

Christopher Blazina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and professor of psychology who has published over forty scholarly articles about the psychology of men and masculinity and is the author of five books including the academic texts: "The Cultural Myth of Masculinity," "An International Psychology of Men," and "The Psychology of the Human-Animal Bond." He holds a doctorate degree in Counseling Psychology from the University of North Texas and has been a professor at the University of Houston and Tennessee State University. He is currently a professor at New Mexico State University. Visit Dr. Blazina at chrisblazinaphd.com.

The Ten Commandments
of Growing Up Male

We are a rule-driven society. Read some of the great Western philosophers like Rousseau, Locke, or Hobbes, all of whom were very concerned with social contracts that ensured that the powerful did not devour the powerless. Or, on a less cerebral level, rent a copy of the black-and-white version of The Lord of the Flies, the film showcasing what happens when a planeload of British schoolboys are stranded on a deserted island with no adult supervision. I will give you a hint: it looks less like Gilligan's Island and more like Survivor on steroids with an entirely new meaning for being voted off the island.

As a society we shy away from anarchy as a general rule. As a result, there are school rules, religious rules, traffic rules, etiquette rules, work rules, and so on. It is no surprise there are very specific ones that have been created for men―well-established societal messages that males receive about how to be a man―that I have identified as 'The Ten Commandments of Growing Up Male.' This might conjure up the image of a bearded Moses-like figure descending from the mountain with stone tablets in his hands; a hush falls over the crowd as he declares in a powerful, authoritative voice that these are the commandments for men, laws that all men must follow or punishments will ensue.

For many men, these commandments carry a level of authority that should never be questioned. They are ingrained into our culture as irrefutable truths. Sometimes men who have broken these commandments have received somewhat unsympathetic punishments from a society that can be uninformed about the struggles that men face. Subsequently, there is a trickle-down effect from cultural to familial law, when unwitting parents enforce the commandments through harsh reprimands. While parents think they are helping prepare their sons for the real world through conforming to the commandments, too often a boy's spirit or sense of individualism is broken as a result. These commandments cannot only have powerful effects upon men's emotional and physical well-being, but they also touch the people dear to them. If a boy or man feels weighted down as a result of following the commandments, those in his inner circle can also suffer.

Given the vast number of societal rules that have been created over the years, rest assured that not all of them are good ones; some are outdated, and others need to be rewritten. The same is true for the commandments for men. These societal rules and standards have taken a particular shape over hundreds of years. Greek mythology, the shift from pagan to Christian religion in the Holy Roman Empire, medieval mind-sets and philosophy, misinterpreted scientific research applied to gender roles, folklore, and social tradition are but a few of the cultural dynamics that play a part in shaping how we think men (and women too) should be. Without considering how culture has evolved, and with it expectations for both genders, some might assume things have stayed exactly the same since the cavemen era. As a society we can take many of the previously held truths and run with them, limiting both genders in the process. (For a more extensive discussion on the evolution of masculinity in Western culture, see my previous book, The Cultural Myth of Masculinity.)

The astute observer will note that many of these commandments are impossible to keep, even on a man's best day. Some of these are outdated and others are just downright dysfunctional, asking men to be someone they are not. Those of us who have spent our careers studying the secret lives of men have seen how men of all ages are negatively affected by these commandments in both work and love. After all, a man's sense of masculinity affects every avenue of his life. As we talk about each of the commandments, we will address where each one leads men astray.

From the very beginning, I want to stress that the secret lives of boys and men are full of struggles, but it should also be noted that there is the potential for joy and happiness as well. Sometimes men's secret worlds are primal and passionate, while other times they are noble and self-sacrificing. There isn't a 'man conspiracy' to keep you distant and confused, and by understanding more about the world of men, you, as a partner, parent, or friend, can learn better ways to give support, gently confront problem areas, and assist a man to be all that he can be. And by the way, these commandments are not set in stone; in reality, they are clay tablets ready to be rewritten―or broken.

Commandment 1:
'There is only one way to be a man.'

Boys learn from early on that there is a single, right way to be a man. Many of the Commandments for Growing up Male highlight what ideal masculinity looks like. It is usually some variation of an old John Wayne or, more recently, Jason Bourne character: tough, stoic, and self-sufficient. This version of manhood stresses the importance of being powerful and protecting your flanks at all costs. Taken together, all of these characteristics add up to stereotypical masculinity, the singular definition for how all men feel compelled to be.

The notion that there is only one way to be a man is a prime example of the confusing and misleading nature of the commandments. As noted above, research has shown that the definition of 'ideal masculinity' has changed over the course of history. Historians who study gender issues have noted that ideal masculinity has it fads and trends just like clothing. Sometimes the ideal man is the tough warrior or cowboy, other times the peace-loving and refined statesman, and still other times, the hard-driving capitalist or the man who goes from rags to riches. For instance, chivalrous knights during the Middle Ages curled their hair and wore tight tunics, pointy shoes, and other eye-catching adornments. Sounds a little like today's metrosexual men, doesn't it? This version of an overstylized man seems to come back into vogue every once in a while throughout the centuries.

Gender historians have also shown that at various points in time there have been multiple, competing notions of what an ideal man looks like. While there may be a singular, most popular version of masculinity, there are still multiple definitions of how to be a man in present society. In fact, scholars claim that there are at least six distinct forms of ideal masculinity operating right now in the United States. That is, there are multiple masculinities based on religion, social class, sexual orientation, political agenda, religion, ethnicity, and race. Even within these broad categories of masculinity, there are still more subfactions, multiplying the number of potential masculinities even further. In fact, we may further stretch this notion and say that there are potentially as many unique ways to be a man as there are different types of individuals. From my perspective, that is exciting news, because it means men may enjoy more freedom to be themselves and really develop their own notion of what it means to be a man.

So the idea that there is only one way to be a man is really off the mark. Boys may be aware of the most popular version of masculinity and conclude, just like their parents, there is only one way to be. They then may feel pressured by society or family to conform to that version, as if pushed through a giant cookie cutter. They feel the demands to do the accepted thing whether it genuinely reflects who they are or not. The consequence of conforming is that men cut away authentic parts of themselves that they determine are not acceptable to the popular version of manhood. In the long run, this has an impact on their ability to be successful at work and love. We will revisit the importance of men being true to themselves later.

Commandment 2:
'Fear the feminine.'

In part, males learn to be men through others telling them what not to do. That is the funny thing about learning to be a man; instructions are often heavier on the 'don'ts' than the 'dos.' This is because the rules for being a man are not entirely clear; some of them make no sense, while others are at times contradictory and confusing. However, there is one surefire rule that can be counted on: 'Don't do anything feminine.'

We usually associate the feminine with the world of women; the feminine comes to represent all those inherent aspects that are by their very nature womanly and so surely 'not male.' So when a man crosses the line into what is perceived as the feminine world, he knows this is a forbidden realm from which he should remove himself as quickly as possible. Historically, the feminine is seen as a corrupting force to masculinity. The worst thing that can be said to a boy is that he is 'acting like a girl.' I'm not sure who should be more offended: the boy being called a girl or the girl who is being labeled as what not to be!

But what exactly is feminine? Until recently, we could divide the world of emotions, physical or intellectual abilities, and career trajectories along gender lines. For instance, for some time there has existed an unquestioned notion of men's versus women's work. Others believe that men and women are so dissimilar in terms of their emotional needs that they could be from different planets. There are always eye-catching headlines that continue to promote this separatist line of thinking. However, over the last thirty years, these notions, once held as absolute truths, are being reconsidered. Those 'masculine' possibilities that society told women they could never attain, like moving up the corporate ladder or obtaining political or professional success, have been revised and/or abandoned. Likewise, men have challenged the notion that being a good parent or partner belongs exclusively to the realm of women. In fact, there has been a 60 percent increase in stay-at-home fathers in the past few years.

While some may see these changes as an erosion of an important distinction between the sexes that results in gender confusion, for me it highlights the truth that some things labeled as a 'woman thing' or a 'man thing' are really human things. We can all participate and be successful in matters of work and love. A man becomes handicapped when he cannot utilize his human skills because they are labeled as feminine ones, and consequently off-limits.

Commandment 3:
'Men must funnel all of their feelings into sex or aggression.'

Because men are taught to fear the feminine, they must avoid anything associated with it, and chief among these aspects are emotions. From the formative years onward, boys are placed into a bind because the emotional aspects inherited as a part of their natural birthright are deemed off-limits. Along the way, the commandment about fearing the feminine takes hold, and they learn that emotions are bad things. People might make fun of men for showing things like sensitivity, vulnerability, and tenderness; these traits are seen as aspects that corrupt a man's sense of masculinity. As a result, many men learn to keep their emotions in check. Or, worse yet, they don't allow themselves to experience feelings at all, and after utilizing this coping skill for thirty or forty years, some of them end up in the emergency room, thinking they have had a heart attack. The ER physician might explain that they have just had a panic attack and should go speak to someone about the pent-up stress they are carrying.

Emotions are hardwired human parts, and we all have them, but men learn in their 'man-training' to cope with them in ways that are consistent with the commandments. Men feel compelled to mask them, funneling their entire emotional range into two socially acceptable 'male' emotions: sex and aggression. These traits, which can disguise other, more vulnerable, off-limits feelings, allow men to maintain a tough exterior. In short, sex and aggression are the quintessential male emotions. What can appear as a stunted emotional repertoire often gives the impression that men are emotionally devoid of real feelings, or at best, that they are simple creatures who are only concerned with primal matters. But we will see later that even with this masking of emotions, a man's feeling function is still multidimensional and complex. The emotional realm of the secret lives of men is complicated, and we will spend time sorting through it.

Commandment 4:
'Affection is always associated with sex.'

We begin to see how some commandments are interrelated. If you fear the feminine, it has a direct effect upon how you express feelings in the form of sex or aggression, which in turn skews the definitions, limitations, and boundaries of some emotions. A prime example of this is that men are taught early on that emotional intimacy is interchangeable with physical intimacy. So if you feel close to someone, it means you also want to have sex with them. This misunderstanding about emotional and physical intimacy causes lots of trouble. It can lead to some complicated questions for men and women, such as can men and women be 'just' friends? From this perspective, they can't, because if a man grows emotionally close, sexual feelings are inevitable (at least from the man-training perspective).

This fallacy about tender feelings always equaling sexual ones also affects the closeness between two good male friends; after all, the same formula is present. This makes men uncomfortable about getting too close and stirs up homophobic reactions. Many straight men try to circumvent this issue when they get together so that any ensuing emotional intimacy can be explained away through drinking too much or through the joy of playing sports together, where hugs or pats on the butt are just a part of the game. Men are invited at many points in their lives to rethink these issues and see with clearer eyes that love and sex are not always synonymous.

Commandment 5:
'You big ape: boy society is based on power, strength, and paranoia.'

Boys grow up in a culture that stresses the outward appearance of strength and power. Young men feel compelled to jockey for position on the social ladder as if they are in some Darwinian survival of the fittest. This male hierarchy is based on how well a boy can adhere to the commandments. If he is successful, he can earn masculine currency to put in the bank. And what does he think can be purchased with this big man's bank account? Well, just about anything he wants: a beautiful wife, more power and success, eternal youth, and everlasting happiness. Confirmation of the 'more masculine currency = lasting happiness' equation seems pervasive. After all, look at movie stars and professional athletes––they are all happy, aren't they? But let's say, for instance, that a man doesn't measure up to the commandments―what then?

The legacy of the big ape mentality can affect a man's (boy or grown-up) life expectations and his ability to secure a mate or have a chance at long-term success or happiness. This is one of the reasons men feel especially emotionally walloped when they lose their job: they imagine that someone has made a run on the bank and drained all their man-currency from their account. What do they do now? Who would be willing to love them? One of the struggles men face is learning they are more than the adolescent version of masculinity that was presented to them when they were growing up and that their virtue as a man is not entirely tied to being the biggest, most fierce ape on the block.

Another offshoot of this misguided big ape mentali...

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