You Don't Really Know Me: Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win - Softcover

Apter, Terri

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0393327108 ISBN 13: 9780393327106

Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company, 2005

Synopsis

Understand what your teenage daughter really means―and learn to use your arguments to strengthen your bond with her.

Mothers and teenage daughters argue more than any other child-parent pair―on average every two-and-a-half days. These quarrels, Terri Apter shows, are attempts to negotiate changes in a relationship that is valued by both mothers and daughters. A daughter often feels her mother doesn't know or understand her, and by fighting hopes to force her mother into a new awareness of who she really is, how she has changed, and what she is now capable of doing and understanding. But mothers often misinterpret their daughter's outbursts as signs of rejection, and they may pull back feeling hurt and confused. Through case studies and conversations between mothers and daughters, Apter shows mothers how to interpret the meanings behind a daughter's angry words and how to emerge from arguments with a new closeness.

About this title

Review:

What do teenage girls really want from their mothers? British Psychologist Terri Apter offers uncommon wisdom about the "tricky equation" between a daughter's identity and that of her mother. Challenging the idea that girls want to reject dear old mom, Apter suggests that most battles between mothers and daughters are fought to transform the relationship rather than trash it. Arguments become a daughter's way of asking two essential questions: "How can I get my mother to see me the way I am or the way I want to be?" and "How can I keep this important relationship up-to-date and useful to me?" By focusing on how daughters can remain attached to their mothers as they grow, each chapter underlines conflict as means for a daughter to define herself. Apter avoids generalities and targets smart specifics with examples, strategies and sample conversations. She offers an anatomy of a mother-daughter meltdown, nails four patterns of teen lying, and offers guidelines for dialogue about rules and risk assessment. She explains how to navigate food fights, discouraging words, harsh hyperbole ("you are ruining my life!") and the "I know that already" sex talk. Battle fatigued mothers--and the daughters who want to love them without leaving them--will welcome Apter's hopeful, insightful approach. --Barbara Mackoff

About the Author:

Terri Apter is a writer, psychologist, and retired Fellow of Newnham College, Cambridge. Her nine books include The Sister Knot and What Do You Want from Me? She lives in Cambridge, England.

About this edition

• Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company
• Publication date: 2005
• ISBN 10: 0393327108
• ISBN 13: 9780393327106
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 290