The Good Divorce: How to Walk Away Financially Sound and Emotionally Happy - Hardcover

Felder, Raoul; Victor, Barbara

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9780312592967: The Good Divorce: How to Walk Away Financially Sound and Emotionally Happy

Hardcover

ISBN 10: 0312592965 ISBN 13: 9780312592967

Publisher: St. Martin's Press, 2011

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Raoul Felder, a take-no-prisoners divorce attorney, draws from his experience to show readers how to avoid an acrimonious divorce and move on with life

There is nothing better than a good marriage. But when a marriage goes bad, there is no better option than divorce to give men and women a chance to start over. Handled wisely, divorce can be a beginning, not an end. It is the doorway to a new life free of hurt, anger, and resentment.

Felder and Victor cover each phase of divorce, from knowing when to call it quits, to choosing a lawyer, to the final decree. They explore prenuptial contracts, mediation, alimony, child custody, same-sex marriage, and life after divorce. They also share some of the most important facts one should know such as:

� The first offer a woman gets when divorce negotiations begin is usually the best. � In all divorces, income rather than assets determine who pays what to whom. � Divorce is about compromise. Divorce court is not a boxing ring.

After years of watching how divorce can go tragically wrong, Felder uses his expert knowledge, including case histories from his list of celebrity clients, to suggest how to make divorce more fair, civilized, and painless.

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About the Author:

RAOUL FELDER is a nationally renowned attorney. He has appeared on television, radio, and in print as an expert in divorce litigation.

BARBARA VICTOR has authored five novels and eight works of nonfiction, and has been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

1

STARTING OVER
If you want to know about love, ask a divorce lawyer.
—RAOUL FELDER
MARRIAGE IS NEVER AS BLISSFUL as people expect. Divorce is never as devastating as people imagine.
Divorce is a process that includes emotional, financial, and legal steps that ultimately end in the litigants being unmarried. Once the legalities are over, the hope is that the individuals involved will walk away, determined to begin a new and better life.
Whatever the motive to marry, it is always a conscious decision that happens from the inside out. Regardless of the reasons, marriage is an exercise in optimism. If divorce were viewed as an exercise in optimism as well, divorce lawyers would make less money. People would not waste years of their lives fighting over meaningless issues, which are remnants of a relationship that is already dead and only waiting to be buried.
The question divorce lawyers often ask potential clients who walk into their office is a variation of “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company today?” The answer would probably be that the client wants the attorney to represent them in a divorce. Perhaps a more precise question posed by lawyers should be “Why are you here today and not five years ago or six months ago or twenty years ago or last week?”
Most of the time, people focus on a mindless event that brought them to the point to begin divorce proceedings. They might respond that they have reached the end of their tethers. Many people would say the same thing: “Not one day more” or “I just couldn’t take it any longer.” Curiously, when asked to describe the “it” they are referring to, things become jumbled into disjointed memories, confusion, and an inability to pinpoint time.
Unless there has been a volcanic act of violence, when people finally decide to end a marriage, it is always a calculated act usually preceded by years of unhappiness, a change of circumstance, an emotional upheaval, or a fissure that becomes a canyon of regret.
Whatever the circumstances, fantasizing about a divorce will not result in freedom.
Consulting a lawyer about divorce does not mean the marriage is over.
Fighting, slandering, and whining during divorce negotiations only make it more difficult to walk away from the legal entanglements of marriage without unnecessary trauma.
In many cases, all the reasons why people marry are usually the same reasons people dread the idea of divorce. Whatever the age or gender, some will fall back on religious teachings that it is far better to sacrifice one’s own happiness in order to save the “sacred” institution of marriage. Others cite children as the reason for marrying and staying together. Many will claim that money was the motivation to marry and the reluctance to divorce is because finances are too complicated and intermingled to sort out a viable solution so that both could keep the same standard of living. Some marry and remain in a bad marriage because of habit. The majority, however, marry out of fear and avoid divorce out of fear—fear of living and dying alone. The truth is that there are far worse fates than being young and single or old and alone. Young or old and married to an incompatible or violent partner is a guarantee that life will never be better. Sacrificing for the sake of children usually means that offspring suffer the same or similar anxiety living in a home that has an absence of love, respect, and joy. Growing old with a partner where life is suffused with resentment, indifference, and a lack of respect and caring is a life wasted. Living in a marriage where love, respect, friendship, and compatibility are gone is a life without hope. Regardless of the reasons, many believe that nothing is perfect and living with someone whose flaws they know is more comfortable than trading the known for the unknown with someone new.
There is nothing more fulfilling than a good marriage. There is nothing more debilitating than a bad marriage. Divorce is a wrenching experience for everyone, whether you are the one leaving or the one being left. The choice, however, between a bad marriage and a good divorce would seem to be apparent. Obviously, for many who dread the idea of breaking up a home, or those who actually terminate a marriage, there is often regret, bitterness, and rage. If people really thought about the goal line, after the messy negotiations and arguments are over, they would realize that divorce gives people a fresh start to lead better lives. Approaching divorce as an adventure means viewing a bad marriage as a reparable mistake. One thing is certain: It takes courage, self-examination, confronting reality, and a sense of optimism to embark upon a process that will forever change your life and the lives of your children and spouse.
There are no perfect circumstances for embarking upon the process of divorce. Even if one or both litigants want the divorce, and no paramours are involved, and there are millions of dollars available to support two households in the same style as when there was one, people still suffer excruciating pain when they break up. That doesn’t mean that a good divorce lawyer or mediator who knows the law, understands a bit about psychology, and who is out for the best interests of the client does not make a positive difference when navigating the labyrinth of the judicial system. The problem about divorce is that it is never only a matter of breaking a legal contract or dividing up assets, or even adjusting to life without a familiar partner. It involves so many other emotions that not even a competent matrimonial lawyer with years of experience is able to convince clients that the anguish they feel is normal and only one part of the process. Matrimonial lawyers are also often unable to persuade their clients that their trauma, which renders them paralyzed, angry, or depressed, will disappear with time. Almost all the predictable irrational and vengeful reactions from litigants have little to do with the bureaucracy of the legal system, but rather are because people are consumed with their own failure, sense of rejection, and the harsh reality that life as they know it will forever change. It is difficult to assure those going through divorce that fault and self-loathing are useless emotions that only prolong the agony. It is often complicated to explain to people that there isn’t anyone, including a professional, who can force a man or a woman who has been left, or worse, left for another, to understand that divorce is the best alternative to beginning a new life. Nor can anyone, including a professional, force someone to love another. There isn’t anyone, regardless of how smart or skilled, who can compel another human being who faces financial ruin, inaccessibility to children, the loss of a home, routine, and the habit of waking up every morning with the same person, to comprehend that divorce is the only chance to start again. Those realizations must come from within the individual involved in the divorce. Only the individual himself or herself has the power to heal and take control of his or her life, with or without the help of a lawyer, therapist, friends, or family.
There are many obstacles on the way to recovery. Usually, when love dies, it is not a mutual happening where both parties wake up one morning and decide they don’t love each other anymore. The tragedy is that more often than not, one partner decides the marriage is over, for myriad reasons that begin and end with a loss of love, respect, caring, and a desire to work things out to keep the union and the home intact.
Another impediment is that people are unable to approach divorce as merely a matter of breaking a legal contract. Though divorce is a broken contract, covered under the law, monitored and adjudicated by attorneys and judges, it is one that is based on the most primal emotions, such as love, pride, ego, self-respect, and countless other feelings that color the reactions of the litigants, preventing them from making productive decisions.
The reality is that almost everybody knows about contracts, as they are made and broken every day. Most people have been involved in some kind of contract or employment agreement, partnership arrangement, or purchase understanding. Even when a dog is bought from a breeder, there is a contract of sorts governed by the American Kennel Corporation that either allows or forbids the owners to breed the dog. There is a modest price to register the dog with the promise of spaying the animal, or a higher price if the dog’s thoroughbred credentials will be used to reproduce puppies. Opening up a charge account at a local cleaners or department store, or having a credit card, involves a contract where the cardholder signs an agreement that he or she will be responsible for all bills. Most people understand that if a contract is broken without the agreement of the other party, there is some kind of penalty and ultimately a settlement for loss of income or services rendered. If an agreement is not reached, there are legal consequences.
Most people don’t become rabid when they break an employment contract or a lease, or any other legal accord. If a contract could never be broken, would anyone in their right mind ever sign one? What would happen if the contract of marriage could never be broken? Think about being forced to stay married to someone who was abusive, physically or emotionally, who shirked all responsibility and offered nothing in the relationship except to argue, ignore, or criticize. Think about living in a house where the atmosphere was constantly tense, hostile, unfriendly, and detrimental to the emotional well-being of the children. Obviously, if there were no divorce, people would be far more reluctant to marry. Common sense, therefore, would dictate that everyone who marries is aware that if the marriage doesn’t work out, there are legal ways to terminate the relationship.
Other than those who are not marrying for the first time or who are older and wiser, most people refuse to admit that the possibility of divorce entered their minds at the time they recited their marriage vows. But just as people sign other contracts knowing they can always break them, it would seem that an awareness of the possibility of divorce at the time of marriage is a normal, albeit unpleasant or fleeting, thought. Not that people marry with the idea that “this is the first step to divorce.” According to many divorce lawyers, people who are at the stage where they are actually considering divorce will admit that they fantasized about it for years before they finally had the nerve to consult a matrimonial attorney.
Though the act of marriage between two consenting individuals is highly personal, when it ends, it is an act ultimately controlled by laws. Couples in the throes of divorce find they are not only facing the death of love but also a loss of control over how they choose to end the union. Suddenly, often for the first time in their lives, courts, lawyers, and judges are in charge of their financial and emotional future, as well as those of their children. Acting out of revenge or the need to punish their spouse guarantees lifelong repercussions. Even those who have had experience in the divorce arena or have had contact with lawyers suddenly realize how unprepared they are to recount their entire lives to a total stranger. As they become increasingly involved in a bitter fray, it is even more shocking to learn that their spouses have also revealed intimate details about their habits, sexual preferences, financial practices, or other indulgences, and idiosyncrasies that they practiced in the privacy of what was once the marital home.
During the process of divorce, in addition to the legalities, people often leave a trail of misery in their wake—children, friends, and colleagues who will have definite reactions and judgments. The trick to having a good divorce is to accept the situation as irrevocable, sort out the true friends who lend support, ignore those who decide to judge you harshly, and, with the help of those loyal friends, family, a competent lawyer, and perhaps therapy, to work toward turning an ugly situation into a happy ending.
Taking steps to end a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions anyone can make. All the negative and destructive emotions people feel during the separation, negotiations, and court appearances are normal. Understanding these emotions at the beginning allows people to move beyond them to more rational thinking as the process evolves. Finding happiness and contentment after divorce is also a process. It is important that people understand that millions have gone through what they are going through and it is tough going. With the right attitude and perspective, even if that means cutting off from those who judge negatively or those who have sided with the enemy, it is not only possible but probable that life will be better—with or without another husband, wife, or partner.
When people choose the magic date to begin the dance of death, it is always premeditated. Though people often claim they were shocked to learn their spouse wanted a divorce, most had slipped into a routine where fighting, lack of communication, living separate lives, estrangement, and an absence of sexual relations became the normal components of their marriages. If they had reflected on their lives, most would realize that the surprise or shock they felt when they found themselves in a lawyer’s office was only that they were forced to face the reality—that their marriages had been a convenience at best, a sham at worst.
There is accidental birth.
There is accidental death.
There is never accidental divorce.
When someone enters a lawyer’s office with the intention of ending a marriage, it usually means that he or she has stopped dancing around problems and dissatisfactions, boredom, frustration, hatred, resentment, and despair and has made a conscious decision to take aim and begin the procedure that will kill the relationship. The moment of truth in any marriage is in some ways like the moment when the matador in the bullring stops his dance, ceases taunting and menacing the bull, and takes his sword to go in for the kill. For the matador, it is the passion for the sport and the adulation of the crowd that drives him to a flawless finish. Anything less than perfection and the matador is injured, killed, or humiliated. But unlike the moment of truth in a bullring, there is never a swift, clean kill to break up a home.
Everyone is curious about the travails of others. When celebrities divorce, details of the breakup are far more newsworthy than their marriages were. Even when noncelebrities divorce, the particulars about the process are a source of local and family gossip. Witnessing the unfolding of a divorce from the safety of an intact marriage is much like slowing down to gape at the gory remnants of a car accident. Grateful they are not the ones lying on the road, people still know, somewhere in the backs of their minds, that they are neither immune to nor exempt from becoming victims and ultimately statistics. Just as road accidents don’t always serve as cautionary examples of the consequences of speeding or drunk driving, however, the ugly and messy divorces of friends, family, or celebrities rar...

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